Dear Untouched,

Two separate but related problems going on here...
#1 - YOUR BOYFRIEND IS NOT ALLOWED TO FORCE YOU TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM!!!! PERIOD!!!

You need to tell him to back off, and let you "Do It", when you're ready - tell him that emotionally you are not ready yet, and if he really loves you, then he'll understand.

If not, is he seriously worth you betraying yourself for?

Would someone that REALLY loves you not understand? I think not!!

#2 - I'm really sorry that something as beautiful and tender as a sexual experience ought to be has been tarnished for you by your brother's criminal selfishness!! That sucks!

I'm sure that your feeling "that your boyfriend is forcing you to have sex" is also reminding you of your brother forcing you against your will before.

But this might actually be one of those so called, "blessings in disguise" for you.

I'm pretty sure that if you'd take this hurtful association to a good therapist, you might be able to deal with this painful memory.

You'll need to trust at least one other person with the truth, maybe two.

If your parents have to pay for the therapy, then remember that you don't have to tell them what's really "eating at you", but that you're just "kind of seriously bothered by some teenage stuff, and you'd really like to talk with a real professional" - or something like that. Also the therapist / or counselor will keep your confidence to him or herself.

The easiest and fastest way to purge the memory, believe it or not, is by going into it with someone who knows how to help you get rid of the shame, the anger, the fear, and the hurt.

At least it might be able to help you "change" the memory, so that when YOU CHOOSE to make love - you will be able to enjoy it.

Hope this helps.

(See Crisis Center / Rape and Sexual Abuse)

Sincerely,

Marc H. Garson
MSW, ACSW, ACP