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Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Losing Myself

Written by  Marc Garson MSW, ACSW, ACP

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This is really odd to me to discuss my problems online, but I am losing myself very fast. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we have a 3-year-old son. We started out young, especially me. I am 19 now, he's 23. Before I got pregnant everything was fine, and we never fought. Now that's all we do. We try hard not to, but theirs no trust between us. I have been trying hard to fix things between us, and I am out of ideas. Where do I start? I love him with all my heart and I don't want to loose him. Help!

- Needideas


Dear Needideas,

One of the best ways to start "re-finding" yourself is by writing and talking about how you're feeling - your desires, your frustrations, dreams, etc. If you can afford some sort of counseling or therapy - it's a really good way of helping you to "reconnect" with yourself.

Try not to berate yourself too much - parenting has been known to wreak havoc with even the most "together" of couples.

And then there is the issue of your age. One of the hardest realities to "hit home" with young parents is the loss of self and freedom, which usually accompanies child rearing. Just as you are starting to really "blossom" into your "adult self", there is this other very needy soul asking you to devote most of yourself to his development.

Often times young couples kind of go blindly into parenthood with all the best of intentions, only to find themselves almost hating the responsibility. This is especially true if you don't have much of an external support system (i.e. family or a spouse to help).

(See Relationships - Peers / Teen Marriage)

Your relationship with your boyfriend is probably being further compromised by the fact that the two of you are at "different places" emotionally right now.

For example, how do you both feel about being parents?

By the way, why boyfriend - not husband? It seems to imply that the baby might be more yours than both of yours - true? Also, why do YOU need to "fix things?" You should BOTH being trying to fix things...it's not your job to be in charge of the relationship alone.

You also seemed to hit one of the crucial points on "the head" - "no trust between us." That will do it every time. The element of trust and a mutually agreed upon "action plan" are key ingredients for any sort of parenting / couple relationship. Otherwise, it feels like you're two separate forces - each pulling in different directions.

Where did the trust go? How did "it" get lost?

Have you two been to any marital / couples therapy before? Did it help?

I suggest that you concentrate on "finding yourself" first. When you've done that, you need to confront the problems in your relationship, one at a time. I suggest you get some professional help with both endeavors. These things won't go away on their own...

Good Luck!

See Marriage Center


Marc Garson

Last modified on Wednesday, 15 June 2011 14:26
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Marc Garson MSW, ACSW, ACP

Marc Garson MSW, ACSW, ACP

Marc Garson has a BA in psychology from the University of Texas in Austin, a MasterSs of Social Work (MSW) from Yeshiva University in New York City, and a Master of Science in Business Management from Boston University. He has been a practicing clinical psychotherapist since 1986. He is a licensed clinical social worker and advanced clinical practitioner in the State of Texas, and a longstanding member of the National Association of Social Workers. His clinical specialties include marriage and family, adolescence, parenting, and family therapies. He also has an extensive background in chemical dependency and codependence treatment. Marc is married and the father of three beautiful little girls: Daniella age 7, Ariella age 6, & Miera age 3. Marc's special interests and hobbies include football, rock and jazz music, boating, weightlifting, chess, philosophy, and business. He loves to travel, and is something of a gourmet chef.

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