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Saturday, 01 January 2000

Your Voice On Life, Love And Marriage Extra-Marital Affairs: Did you ever have an affair?

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QDid you ever have an affair?

If "Yes," what was the affect on you and your marriage?

If "No," have you ever thought about it and what stopped you from having it?

Your Voice

  • Not now, I LOVE my wife so much and think of the promise I made to her at the altar. It is basically moral and religious reasons. It is just not RIGHT, simply put. The policeman in my head will not allow me to do that. Thanks.

  • I have not had an affair but I recently uncovered my husband's affair. It has caused me great pain and I am severely depressed. I can't sleep, eat, or concentrate at work. My children are suffering because I cannot function lovingly anymore. Is this all worth sleeping with a stranger?

  • I have never thought about it.

  • No. Love and respect for my spouse would prevent me even considering an affair. I believe we can send "signals" to others to announce we are unavailable or won't be receptive to further or inappropriate closeness.

  • I realized that other women could treat me in a normal respectful manner. I left the marriage. (Not for the other woman.)

  • It was only once. My sister-in-law seduced me when I was staying at my folks’ place. The only time in 17 years.

  • My ex had two of them during the time we were married. So if you are thinking about it... think of this. Is it worth it? Is it worth ruining your family and changing your entire life as you now have it? And do you have the mental energy it takes to lie and keep your stories straight? But most of all, how would you feel if your spouse did it to you?

  • My first marriage lasted 17 years and I never had an affair; my ex-husband did, though. It was a long-term affair with a co-worker who came to our house and was also my friend. They were having an affair right in my own house right under my nose! I confronted my ex about the affair and he continually lied to me about it. Finally he admitted it to me but would not give any details; how long they had been involved, where they spent time, etc. My ex told me they ended the affair but I kept finding gifts and cards from his girlfriend so after time trust was completely shattered. I do not blame my ex totally; I am also to blame because we dated pretty exclusively in high school and married too young. I flirted "innocently" during our marriage but now realize that was wrong, too. I guess I thought about having an affair at one time but my Catholic guilt complex would never ever allow me to pursue it. I am now remarried to a wonderful, loving, honest man and feel so fortunate to have been given a second chance. Flirting is a dangerous thing. Affairs are the most devastating thing to a marriage; once trust is gone, it is so difficult to rebuild. If anyone ever asked my opinion, I would tell them to seek counseling first to heal their marriage. Never, never have an affair. It may feel good for a short while but you're just postponing the inevitable pain of looking seriously at your relationship and yourself.

  • No, but I have thought about it because my husband never talks to me, walks and holds hands with me, or does anything fun with me, and he's cheated on me. I yearn for either one night of passion, or a long-term intimate emotional relationship with a man.

  • The effect on my marriage was nil. My husband was in medical school and rarely home. I was feeling extremely neglected and . . . At the time it filled an emotional and physical need. Years later, thinking about it makes me feel guilty. That was over 15 years ago and I wouldn't choose to go that route again.

  • My ex-husband had many and I could never put someone through what I went through. I felt worthless and less of a person. I felt very unattractive and unwanted.

  • While in my first marriage, I had an affair which ended without my husband finding out about it. But I found out for myself what a real marriage should have contained and I found a man who was willing to help.

  • Since my wedding day, almost 13 years ago, I have been the faithful wife that my wonderful husband deserves.

  • No, I have never considered it. Although the world is full of interesting and attractive males, I would never violate the vows I took 15 years ago, nor have I really had any desire to.

  • Yes, I have thought about it, but I was brought up to believe if you are married you are married, if you want to fool around it's best to be single.

  • I did not want to lose my husband because I wanted to feel wanted.

  • Yes, didn't want to hurt my spouse.

  • Have you ever had an affair? Many years ago when I was married to another person I did. I think that an affair comes not from lack of sex, but lack of communication. When the man says "my wife doesn't understand me, " that famous line, he isn't joking. An affair is generally for the conversation and intimacy (though often phony) that is replacing something missing at home. In the end I divorced and the affair had little to do with it. In hindsight, though, it was a sign that our communication lines were shut. The divorce would have happened regardless.

  • Probably, when the situation arose, the picture of my crying wife and the hurt I would see in her eyes has been enough to stop me...been married 25 yrs now...never once.....

  • I love my husband, and it is just wrong to do that to someone you say you love.

  • Unfortunately, we divorced. He decided not to give any time in between for "thinking" and went straight to the lawyer, even though he did not know I had an affair. He "assumed" many things without talking about them. Communication was THE BIGGEST problem. Now, I regret it ALL... 8 years later! He has remarried and divorced since. Now, a new girlfriend (who seems to be buying everyone, including our two boys) is very much in the picture and I feel so many feelings...jealousy, resentment, and most of all blaming myself for such a stupid thing I had done to my family and to myself. I am now living with a "significant other" and have had children, but the relationship goes nowhere! I am so unhappy but because of what I realized with the mistake I made with the first relationship and the woes of the family, I am so reluctant to make any changes here-- even though he has physically abused me and now continues to verbally abuse all of us. I would never have another affair since it has destroyed the true family life I long to have.

  • No. I thought about how lucky I am to have a wonderful husband and children and I should be thankful to God for what I have.
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