My husband and I have been married 20 years and have four sons (20, 18, 16 and 9). We have always gotten along well, had a good sex life, enjoyed each other's company, spent time alone together, enjoyed family activities, community service, etc. The only conflict we've ever had was financial; we have always struggled paycheck to paycheck, lost a house through foreclosure 10 years ago and filed bankruptcy. Aside from financial pressures, I have always believed I had the ideal marriage and thought we were more in love with each year.

The last two months, my husband became very distant, quieter than usual (quiet is his norm), absorbed in the computer and avoided sex. The last time we made love, he initially was unable to become aroused. I knew he was having a lot of stress at work and had been passed over for a promotion by a younger, less-qualified weenie. I assumed this was the cause of his funk.

He denied any problem despite my attempts to get him to talk. Two weeks ago I told him I'd felt further away from him in the last month than ever before and asked if there was "someone else" thinking I'd shock him into admitting there was a problem. I suppose you should never ask a question unless you're prepared to hear the answer.......it was yes. He admitted to having an affair with a coworker for three months and said he has "feelings" for her-- what he now believes to be love. He also claims he still loves me but doesn't know what he wants to do. He's not sure if he wants to be married or free to explore other relationships.

Needless to say, I am devastated. This was the last thing I ever expected. I don't understand how a three month infatuation can replace a lifetime of loving and sharing. He moved out of the house (to his parents) to sort out his feelings and won't talk about our marriage, saying he's not ready. I still love him and want him back and feel stupid for that, considering the circumstances. I'm angry that I'm left with all the responsibility of the house and kids. At my lowest, I'm left to pick up the pieces and be strong for the kids. He makes efforts to see the youngest but has no more than passing contact with the older ones. I've realized he has little emotional connection with them--they can't discuss their feelings with him. When we told the kids he was leaving, we did it together but I did all the talking.

We've both sought counseling through our EAPs at work, with different clinicians. I wonder if we should be seeing the same one. My counselor believes he is clinically depressed, feeling he's failed his family and seeking an escape. His counselor says he doesn't seem depressed but is willing to explore the subject if he's interested. I'm living in limbo and am not sure whether I should pack up the rest of his belongings or continue this unsure existence. I've told him we need time limits and ground rules. He's not ready to discuss anything and I don't want to force him into a hasty decision. Any advice is appreciated.