My fiancé and I have been together for two and a half years and are getting married in two weeks. We have an 18-month-old son together and have lived together for two years. I just found out that nine months ago he had a one night stand with his ex-girlfriend and she just had a baby. She is not sure if it is his or not but for now we are assuming that it is. We have decided to work things out.
I am very hurt and scared of how I will feel if the baby is his and we start seeing it and everyone will know that he cheated on me. I love him very much and am willing to forgive him this time but have made it very clear that there cannot be a second time. He seems to be very remorseful and says it will never happen again and the only person he wants to be with is me. Do you think I am being realistic and do you have any advice on how to get through this?
Scared
We hear that you are in a very difficult situation. Two weeks before your marriage you learn that your partner has been unfaithful to you, has lied to you and furthermore you learn that he has had a baby with someone else. I hear your pain and your fear; your pain for what has been done to you and your fear as to what the future holds for you.
If you decide to remain together it is important for you to know that this issue will accompany you wherever you go, whatever you do. Whatever responsibilities your husband will take towards this child, you will have to cope with it. It will always remain his child. So this child will be part of your life, as long as you remain with your husband.
If you want to work through this we want to encourage both of you to go and get professional help.
The way to know if he is the right person for you and that he won't cheat on you again is if he makes a sincere commitment to work on the relationship, to learn and grow from this situation and to act like a responsible husband and father.
Don't let your love for your fiancé blind you to his character. Yet, if he grows as a result of his mistake, then be confident that you married the right man.
Good luck
Marc Gelkopf, PhD, psychologist and Elisabeth Belais-Gelkopf, SW
