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Saturday, 01 January 2000

Night Filter Avoidance Device (N-Fad)

Written by  Kira Summer

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Come closer. I have a secret to tell you - a medical finding they won't be showing you on the Discovery Channel. It's the Y chromosome again, only this one is way better than baldness. It's called the Night Filter Avoidance Device (N-FAD) and it works like this.

Man stumbles into kitchen from TV room. Woman is preparing lunches, washing floor, putting in laundry, making a shopping list and preparing a presentation which she'll give tomorrow to the CEO of her company. She is doing all of these things at the same time.

Man says something which sounds like "ghttHYYhnsmgrrrrommdtasgsh," which actually means "I am too tired to do the dishes that I promised to do three hours ago because I had to watch David Letterman but I will probably do them tomorrow morning if there is a blizzard and I don't have to go in to work." Woman nods and sighs. N-FAD blocks out the sigh, and the subsequent sound of running water and clattering dishes.

Two hours later, Woman goes up to bed after completing aforementioned tasks. She falls into bed - literally falls - and is asleep before her head hits the pillow. The baby will be up soon, she thinks on the way down.

But the N-FAD picks up the sound of crumpling down. And now he is whispering in her ear, nuzzling it a bit.

He has GOT to be kidding, she thinks. Is this the same man from the kitchen?

The one who could not complete a sentence, too exhausted to raise his tongue to the roof of his mouth? No problems with that tongue now. And the speech? Clear. Crystal Clear. Honey? Are you awake? Honey?

But here's the thing. At 5 a.m., the baby is crying. Woman turns over to watch Man sleeping. It is fascinating. He is literally snoring. N-FAD has completely blocked out the sound of the crying baby. And it is very, very loud! The neighbors can hear it. The other kids can hear it. It is impossible NOT to hear it. But he is out cold.

And now it's time to hot-wire the N-FAD. She crawls up close to him and kisses his neck. She holds him close and whispers in his ear. N-FAD has picked up a signal. Beep Beep Beep. Heavy eyelids flutter open. A sigh. Honey? She asks. N-FAD is listening. The ears literally perk up. (Obvious comment will be omitted. This is a family site.) She has him. N-FAD has deactivated sleep mode and it is all systems go.

Honey, do you want to....She pauses suggestively.

And here's her suggestion:

Go get the baby.

Last modified on Tuesday, 28 December 2010 18:04
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Kira Summer

Kira Summer is a mother, wife and woman. (not necessarily in that order)

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