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Thursday, 14 September 2000

I Love Her More Than Life but She Wants to Leave Me

Written by  Dr. Louise Klein

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QDear WholeFamily Counselor,

On January 12th this year, I met my fiance. The first moment I saw her I knew that she was "The One". She was the new bartender in a lounge I frequent and I began talking with her after closing time. After a few nights of this it came out that she lives with a boyfriend who is also the father of her 3-year-old child. I was crushed but shamefully continued to pursue her.

We would talk on the phone and the computer for hours on end, every day and continued to spend time together when her bar closed. We never had sex but did fool around some. Eventually we talked marriage. Meanwhile she was still living with this guy (not the makings of a healthy relationship I'm sure) As far as he new, we were friends, but he suspected more.

I kept pushing her to move into her own place but she procrastinated. Eventually he asked her if they were over and she told him yes and that she was moving out. Four weeks ago, he went out of town on business and she and I went on an overnight trip while her son was with her parents. Somehow, her boyfriend knew and threw her out. He also took this time to make threats such as killing her and taking her child.

We found her a nice apartment to live in and then the next day she lost her job. She has been unable to find another job and I'm paying the rent on her place as well as mine. She has since gradually seemed to lose interest in us. I have felt like she didn't want to be around me anymore. Two days ago, we had a huge fight and she told me that I was smothering her and she needs space. This was after I told her that my feelings were hurt because she went out to bars with friends Monday night, never bothered to call me before or after, and was doing it again tonight. I felt like an afterthought, not like her partner.

She told me I need to get a life, that I was pathetic because my world revolves around her and that I need to give her more space. I then brought up the financial situation and called her some terrible names, immediately regretting both. I apologized over and over and think that she was able to forgive me.

Tonight she went out again with friends and called me at 3am when she got home, a little drunk. She told me she had a lot of fun and I said I was happy for her, trying to be supportive. When we said goodnight, I said I love you, just as I always do, but she just said goodnight.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I love her so much, but I think I must be losing her. I know that she is under an incredible mental strain. I can't even fathom what she must be going through, but I can't understand why she doesn't want me around and seems to grow more distant every day. I don't know if there's anything I can do to save us, but maybe you have some answers. Please help us. I love her more than life itself and can't imagine not growing old with her beside me.

ADear In Love But Not Loved,

You don't say how old you are or this woman is but she sounds awfully immature. You met her in January and it's now May and you're already supporting her? I can understand that you feel sorry for her and want to help her but just how did she lose her job and why isn't she looking for another? At the same time she is not making a commitment to you or even treating you with respect. Does this seem fair to you?

As for her old boyfriend, even if their relationship was over, she did not deal with him honestly or fairly. Besides, they have a child together and she must consider the child's relationship with the father. Where is this child now? Who takes care of him/her when mom is out drinking with her friends? And where did this child figure in your plans to live happily ever after with your girlfriend?

If she is not serious about you, then step back with dignity and let her go. You can't make someone love you.

Marriages that began as affairs often end in other affairs.

The type of person who would cheat on one partner is likely to cheat on the next person they're involved with. This is because of a basic lack of respect for other people. They're good in the initial phase of a relationship where sexual attraction is at its peak but they have trouble maintaining their commitments in the long haul.

Please sit down with a good friend who knows you well and ask him/her to help you think through this situation. Take a piece of paper and write down all the reasons that this relationship is good for you. On another page write down all the ways that it makes you feel unhappy or insecure. Be honest with yourself. There is no need for you to rush into marriage. Take your time and make sure that she really respects you and cares for you before you take this next step. And if she is not serious about you, then step back with dignity and let her go. You can't make someone love you.

Dr. Louise Klein

Last modified on Sunday, 22 January 2012 20:13
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Dr. Louise Klein

Dr. Louise Klein

Louise Klein was born on the West Coast of Canada but lived for many years in Los Angeles and Philadelphia. She has a doctorate in clinical psychology from Widener University in Pennsylvania. Dr. Louise Klein is an experienced therapist in insight-oriented talk therapy. She has worked with individuals, couples and groups for many years. Her experience with families includes stepfamilies, adoptive families, nuclear families and families dealing with illness or death. Dr Klein is also trained in thought field therapy and regression therapy and has taught and worked internationally. Louise Klein lives in a rural community with her husband and St. Bernard and has a stepdaughter in college in New England.

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