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Wednesday, 24 September 2003

The Three R's Of Relationship Relate, Reveal, Reciprocate

Written by  Chantal Danino Holt

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"The search for true love is a spiritual quest."

At the dawn of the new millennium, the main complaint from partners in intimate relationships is the lack of passion and romance in their marriage. The big crisis of modern marriage is that it tends to become about arrangements: I'll pick up the kids, - I'll do this, you'll do that. Married couples are so busy managing their marital lives that they tend to eliminate all the fun of being together. The space of the relationship gets lost - space to talk, to laugh, to make love. You have to choose to make your relationship a priority in your life. Not committing to your relationship has a price: boredom, lack of fulfillment, lack of growth, and, more often than not, divorce.

There is no magic formula to transform a bland relationship into an exciting one; and having an affair is definitely not the solution. On the contrary, it brings to light in sharp contrast the deficiencies of the marital relationship.

The secret to a lasting, loving relationship, with its moments of pure bliss, is within your reach. YOU are the alchemist that has the power to make your relationship a vessel of love and growth. Three simple ingredients are needed for this transformation: Relate, Reveal, and Reciprocate.

RELATE
When two equal partners relate, both carry the full responsibility for the relationship. You always have the choice to relate in a shallow way or in a deeper way.

Marriage is how you treat your partner every single day. When you say "I love you, have a good day" put your heart into your words, linger just a few more seconds in the embrace, relax into it, let the feeling of trust and need flow freely from your bodies. Yours is not the embrace of the emotional prisoner who thinks, "If you leave me, I can't function". It gives the message that needing somebody is the natural way our hearts reach out to connect.

The purpose of your relationship is not to make you happy but to make you grow. The real secret of an incredible relationship has nothing to do with the other; it has to do with you. You can only love as much as you are capable of loving. When you choose your partner every day you are making a great accomplishment. You are responsible for the quality of your thoughts, and of your intentions towards your mate.

Relate with truth, clarity, integrity and you will see it reflected in your relationship. Relate with your mind, with your heart, with your soul, in full awareness and you will see immediate results. As well known intuitive and spiritual mentor Dr. Caroline Myss says, "You can change your life in the wink of an eye."

REVEAL
You cannot be lonely and unhappy if your relationship is genuine. Ask yourself how genuine you are with your partner; how willing you are to feel, to be open and vulnerable, to reveal yourself and all that really matters to you. Go beyond the "he says she says" and share what you really feel.

It is a mistake to think, "What my partner doesn't know won't hurt him/her". It is not true. They feel what is missing. And they may think that it is because of them, when, in fact, it is only about you.

The secret to a lasting, loving relationship, with its moments of pure bliss, is within your reach. YOU are the alchemist that has the power to make your relationship a vessel of love and growth.

Ask for what you want. The other is not a mind reader. You need support? Ask for it. You need to be heard, say it. To be deeply known and accepted is a human instinct.

Dare to show your 'battle scars" and trust the other to respond "they are beautiful, you are beautiful". Reveal to your lover the things that you've never revealed to anybody else and glow in the comfort of two short words "It's ok". Revealing yourself, being known, is what unlocks your love.

Don't try to trick the other (act perfect, be perfect, hide things from the other about yourself). Dare to be loved for exactly who you are. Be loved because of the truth, not in spite of it.

RECIPROCATE
What is necessary for the health of your partnership is identical to what is necessary to your own growth. Each partner holds the pieces that the other is missing. Your relationship is the mirror of your true self: what you see in the other is also who you are. When you want your partner to be loving and affectionate, be loving and affectionate. When you are not happy in your relationship, ask yourself: What am I not giving? When you are not satisfied with your sex life, don't examine your sex life, examine your relationship. Ask yourself:

  • Do I love my partner enough?
  • Do I communicate enough?
  • Do I have old resentments?
  • Am I growing as a human being?
  • Do I have healed the wounds from childhood that I brought in the relationship?

Make your partner feel attractive and loved. Show that you are not looking for faults and failures, but can laugh at them. What we fear most is to be humiliated.

Treat the other with the respect that you want for yourself. To quote Marian Anderson, famous civil rights activist: "As long as you keep a person down, some part of you has to be down there to hold him down, so it means you cannot soar as you otherwise might."

Ask yourself and find out the reason why your partner is in your life: you chose him/her to teach you WHAT about yourself: Self-love? Self-esteem? Self-confidence? Courage? Compassion? Gentleness? Practice being loving, showing esteem, trusting, feeling com-passion (with passion) with your partner and it will grow in you reciprocately.

A last word....
If you want a real chance at a real relationship, do not accept anything less than being loved for who you were, who you are and who you are becoming.

When the process of a genuine relationship unfolds you find yourself loving your partner more as the years pass, and being loved more in return.

Last modified on Sunday, 22 January 2012 20:40
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Chantal Danino Holt

Chantal Danino Holt

Chantal Danino Holt, the mother of three children, is one of the founders and volunteer directors of SHANI, a non-profit organization against child prostitution, and is also a social worker, Reiki Master, reflexologist, and works in visualization work and psychotherapy with individuals and couples, integrating mind/body/spirit healing with conventional psychology. During the year 1999-2000 she was the coordinator of the WholeFamily Marital Center.

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