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Monday, 29 November 2010

Letter from Hurt and Humiliated Spouse

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The Wrong Way

Tom,

You did it again. You made fun of me in front of my friends.

I hate you when you do that. I am so angry that I could kill you.

That is the reason why I am writing this letter. I am just too furious to talk to you. I don't know what pleasure you find in putting me down, it just shows the lack of respect that you have for me. Actually, you rarely show respect for me, just like your father doesn't show respect for your mother. I see how the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I wish you would see it too. It may help you to change your behavior.

Even though I often think that you are hopeless, and that you will never change.

But I can't take your humiliations any more. I am going to stand up for myself and next time you do that to me -- unfortunately I know that there will be a next time, you are so unaware of your behavior,

I will jump right back at you and insult you in the same way that you insult me. That will show you that you are not the only one who can be mean.

If you won't change, then I guess I will have to use the same tactics that you use.

I do love you, but I just can't take it anymore.

Angie, still hurt and angry.

The Write Way

Dear Tom,

I waited to calm down before sitting down and writing this letter to you.

Now that my anger has passed,I want to tell you how hurt and humiliated I felt when you laughed at me in front of my friends.

I know that it wasn't out of disrespect and meanness on your part -- it is one of your character traits, to joke and make fun of everything.

I know that it wasn't out of disrespect and meanness on your part -- it is one of your character traits; I just wish that you would be more aware that, sometimes, your humor is in the wrong direction, laughing at the person, instead of with the person.

You have often told me how your father was also a joker and we all keep traits from our parents, sometimesgood ones, sometimes less pleasant ones.

I don't want you to change your sense of humor, it is one of the things that made me fall in love with you. I just wish that you would be more aware that sometimes your humor is in the wrong direction, laughing at the person, instead of with the person.

I can't change you, and, honestly, I wouldn't want to change you because there are so many things that I love about you.

I can only suggest that we each take an honest look at what happened yesterday, a situation that is familiar to both of us, and see our personal responsibility in the situation.

I know that I need to be more assertive and clearly state my feelings instead of being overwhelmed with anger and helplessness. I don't want to be hurt and humiliated.

I want to stand up for myself, to be clear about what is and what is not acceptable behavior from you. I will try to work on that.

I invite you to do the same, and maybe we can help each other out. We know each other's strong and weak points so well.

I feel better and closer to you now that I have revealed to you my deepest and sincerest feelings.

I love you,Angie

Sample letters written by Chantal Danino Holt, social worker and coordinator of the Marriage Center.

Use at least several of the following principles while writing your letter:
Don't blame. Don't accuse. Make "I" statements.Be specific about what you want. Ask for your partner's input.End with a positive statement.
Last modified on Monday, 29 November 2010 02:08
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