Chris, 14, has a boyfriend, Rick, who wants to have sex with her. She doesn’t think she wants to, but she’s afraid she’ll lose him.
Rick keeps pushing me. I don't know if he's telling the truth - that they're all doing it... I mean, it's not exactly the kind of thing I can ask my friends in school, is it? Not even Dara. We're close, but not that close.
I don't really want to, but he keeps saying if I love him, I should prove it. I'm happy with the way things are now. It feels good just to fool around and touch each other, and I like the kissing. Not so much when he tries to put his tongue in my mouth, that's kind of pushy. But I feel safe just having him hold me. I even let him put his hands under my blouse. Why do we have to do more than that, anyway? And what about all that AIDS stuff, and getting pregnant? I wouldn't want a kid at my age! Rick says, "Don't worry, I'll take care of everything." But he's missing the point.
I'm afraid if I don't go along with him, he'll drop me and find someone else. I really don't want that, but I don't like feeling pressured either. Anyhow, who says my next boyfriend won't ask for the same thing?
I wonder is April and Andy really did it. Rick says that Andy told him they do it all the time - whenever her parents are out and she baby-sits for her baby sister he comes over. But I can't imagine them. Maybe I can just ask her if it hurt the first time...I'm afraid of that too. It's easy for the boy - he's not the one it's gonna hurt.
Every time we're alone somewhere, Rick keeps asking me if I'm ready, or am I still chicken. He even showed me the condom he keeps in his wallet for when I'll say yes. I want to keep checking to see if he still has it or if he gave up on me and tried it with someone else, but I can't ask that! He says he really loves me, but it makes me think that if he loved me, he wouldn't ask me to do it, knowing how I feel about it.
The problem is....I'm not so sure how I really feel.
I saw him looking at Laura. Maybe he’ll ask her out if I don't say yes. I wish I could decide if I really want to do this - I don't feel ready yet. Once we start, he'll probably want it all the time.
Why can't we leave things the way they are right now? I just feel it's going too fast for me. Rick says it's not healthy for a guy to get so hot and then stop - but what about me? I get turned on, too, but nothing happens to me when we stop. It just takes a while to cool down and then I'm okay. Could he be right about guys, though? I wouldn't want to hurt him in any way, but I don't want to do it just for that reason.
It's not fair that he says I don't really love him if I won't say yes. I do love him... I think so, anyway.
It's too bad Mom’s gone. I know I could have talked this over with her. I guess I'll just have to work it out for myself. I wish there was someone I could talk to.
Why can't we just leave things the way they are till we're older?