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Sunday, 25 March 2001

I Married My Best Friend

Written by  Arlette Simon

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QDear WholeFamily Counselor,

I have always thought that marrying your best friend is the most perfect situation. You can talk about anything and probably already have before the marriage. BUT, it ends up that my best friend, my husband of two years, just doesn't want to talk anymore.

I have had some pretty serious issues I've wanted to talk about lately i.e.; not being particularly attracted physically or mentally to him lately, having a baby, big time things huh? He just starts fidgeting, cleaning, whatever he can do so he won't have to listen. I've cried and he walks out of the room, I've yelled and he walks out of the room. I am truly sad and he doesn't want to hear it, at least that's how I'm taking his behavior. He has never been a good talker, but I can't picture us apart.

I have found my mind wondering to the "what if's." What if I never married him, what if I hadn't given him so much (everything is in my name, house, car, etc.)? I genuinely love him, I just don't know if it's the right kind of love to make a marriage last. Any suggestions?

Sad in Love

ADear "Sad in Love,"

Good morning! It is not easy to wake up after two years of marriage and discover that your best friend is a husband and not a best friend anymore. I understand from your letter that before you got married, you believed that marrying a best friend is the most perfect way to make the marriage last, and you realize that it is not -- because there is no such equation.

What are the conditions that make a marriage last? Very difficult to answer. It is the million-dollar question. Still, I suggest that you look into the following issues:

  1. Accept the fact that something has changed between you and your husband. It changed because you entered the dimension of couple dynamics, where sometimes it is difficult to know whether a feeling or a thought comes from us or from our partner.
  2. It is important to identify the real problems you are now facing. First of all, you still love your husband and that is a very good start. Then there are the issues like the fear of commitment when having a baby; taking responsibility and sharing in the decision making process, and as a result communication avoidance. Maybe you need more time as a couple in order to be ready to discuss such serious matters. It seems that you are mad at each other and it doesn't contribute to your sex life.
  3. Can you communicate with your husband without crying or yelling because that could make him walk out of the room and avoid talking? Sadness, yelling, crying can be perceived by your husband as an emotional manipulation and even emotional blackmail. Do not pressure him. Try to find out what causes you such stress. Right now, your husband is not able to deal with and contain your sadness and anxiety. Try to discuss these issues with someone else who is close to you, or look into counseling. And don't forget that this doesn't make him a bad husband.

Good luck,

Arlette Simon, MSW

Last modified on Thursday, 12 January 2012 14:08
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1 Comment

  • Comment Link Saturday, 10 May 2014 03:34 posted by Austin

    To keep your husband, get yourself a new best friend.

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Arlette Simon

Arlette Simon

Arlette Simon is a clinical social worker (MSW) and a licensed psychotherapist. She has more than 35 years experience in various fields of mental health, including work in welfare agencies, adoption services, general hospitals, and psychiatric hospitals. She has a private practice and is chief supervisor of a team of professionals in a rehabilitation community for the mentally ill. Her professional training also includes Jungian psychotherapy, transpersonal psychology, reincarnation therapy, guided imagery therapy, energy work as a Reiki practitioner and reflexology.

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