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Sunday, 25 March 2001

Sexual Instructions

Written by  Marsha Ellentuck

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QDear WholeFamily Counselor,

I got married for the first time about a month back -- both of us are virgins. I am having difficulty entering her during sex.

Please provide us some direction.

ADear "I Need Direction,"

There are a few possible reasons why you are having trouble with penetration.

Firstly, are you clear about the anatomy of the vagina and the surrounding area -- the vulva? This might sound elementary, but lots of people, not only virgins, are quite ignorant about women's sex organs. It would be good to find a picture in books about sex that you can find in bookstores.

What's important to remember is that the clitoris is that little protruding button on top and further down is the vaginal opening. The clitoris is largely responsible for women's sexual enjoyment. Most women need some stimulation to the clitoris in order to reach orgasm.

I would recommend exploring your wife's vulva with her as a second step. After finding her clitoris, put your finger(s) inside her vagina. You will get a feel for the angle you should be aiming for when penetrating, not straight in but angled towards her lower back.

Once you've done this, make sure that your wife is sufficiently lubricated. If she is sexually stimulated, there should be no problem with wetness, as this is the first sign of a woman being sexually stimulated. If she is very nervous or frightened, this might stop her natural lubrication. Do not attempt to penetrate if your wife is dry inside her vagina. This will hurt her and you as well. If needed, use an artificial lubricant, like K-Y Jelly or Astroglide (both of which you can find in the pharmacy).

To make the first time as pleasant as possible, start with having fun together, doing sexual things you both enjoy. You don't have to fully penetrate her at once. Take it slow and relax. You can stretch her hymen (if she has one) slowly and make making love an enjoyable, sensual experience from the get go.


Marsha Ellentuck, MSW

Last modified on Thursday, 12 January 2012 14:17
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Marsha Ellentuck

Marsha Ellentuck

Marsha Ellentuck is a licensed sex therapist as well as a couple and family therapist. She received her master's of social work in 1978 from the University of Pennsylvania. Her work as a community organizer led her into the field of sex education, first with teenagers, later with all different populations, including parents of young children and pensioners. During her training as a couple therapist, Marsha realized the need to combine her sex education knowledge with her therapy skills and continued her training in sex therapy. Marsha Ellentuck works in a wide variety of settings -- a family therapy clinic, a sex therapy clinic as well as in private practice. She also gives lectures and workshops on many different subjects concerning sexuality.

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